


a misalignment of celestial bodies

by eatthatup



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up and Make Up, Fluff, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23938447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatthatup/pseuds/eatthatup
Summary: It begins with the smallest things.The details. Ten can’t pinpoint exactly when, or how, but it gradually starts to go downwards. It doesn’t make him happy, at all, when he notices.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 4
Kudos: 123





	a misalignment of celestial bodies

**Author's Note:**

> hiii this is my first time posting in a while that isn't commissioned ! i hope you enjoy this little johnten fight that took me a lot of time because they don't really fight ? anyways enjoy!!! thanks for reading
> 
> [if you want to commission me all the info is here!!!](https://twitter.com/ten__wv/status/1241880594625200128?s=21)

It begins with the smallest things.

The details. Ten can’t pinpoint exactly when, or how, but it gradually starts to go downwards. It doesn’t make him happy, at all, when he notices. 

Yet at first, he’s the one to, perhaps, trigger the chain of events. It’s in the small things. 

Ten and their dog have a love-hate relationship, although he loves him, he’s more of a cat person, and so, sometimes, it gets on his nerves. Johnny doesn’t like that, doesn’t enjoy the grimace on Ten’s face when the dog jumps onto his lap and licks his face. Ten can tell, he’s not stupid, and two years of a strong and unique relationship has given him enough information to know, exactly, what Johnny is feeling. 

“Why do you hate him?” Asks Johnny. Ten simply stares at him.

“I don’t,” he says, “I just—would like to have a peaceful morning.”

“So he bothers you?”

To lighten the mood, Ten caresses the dog and stands up from the couch.

“Sometimes.”

Johnny sighs. It’s a first sign, Ten notes later. 

\- 

As time goes by, everything seems to be a reason to start a fight. 

It never does, it never is enough. But things heat up pretty fast, and Ten doesn’t know how to control it anymore. How to stop making Johnny feel bad, how to tell Johnny when something bothers him. How to have a healthy relationship anymore. 

“Can you lower the volume?”

“What?” Ten asks, taking off one of his airpods.

“Sorry, I can listen to what you’re listening and I can’t focus.”

Ten looks at the papers on the table and feels bad for the essay he should be doing. Johnny has always been so smart, strict, he does his homework in time. He wishes he could be more than him.

(And then the self-hatred starts).

“Oh yeah, of course.”

It feels awkward, for a moment, as if Johhny’s request felt out of place. And in a way, it did, he never complains, never points out Ten’s shenanigans, and never looks back at his work with a serious face. 

They have bad days. Ten sometimes is moody. Johnny dislikes certain things. But there’s something about this that Ten is having a hard time figuring it out. 

It’s all in the details. 

-

Ten’s sleep schedule isn’t one of the healthiest one. 

At times, he falls asleep on the couch watching a movie and Johnny is left alone in their bed. Other times, he forgets to set up their alarm, and makes Johnny mad because he’s late to his lecture. 

But mad isn’t the word, Johnny is never mad, Johnny never complains. And that’s what begins worrying Ten.

“Sorry,” Ten tells him, “I’m fucking dumb.”

“Don’t worry,” he says, a monotone voice, “I’m not that late.”

“But still—”

“Ten,” Johnny interrupts, “it’s fine.”

But it’s not fine nor okay. It makes Ten’s stomach churn, with guilt, with sadness. For some reason, something changes.

“Really?” He says, and attempts to lighten once again the mood. There’s so much tension lately, Ten is sure it will fall down on them at any moment. “I’d punch me.”

“I would never.”

“I mean.”

Ten giggles, and Johnny gives him a sincere smile that hurts more than heal him. Because Johnny stares at him and his eyes don’t glimmer in the same way as before. Because Ten is starting to feel as if he needs space, as if a rubber band is near to snap, and he doesn’t want to be there when it happens.

“Good luck today,” he says. Now it sounds weird.

Of course, Johnny notices. “Thanks.”

-

It’s a push and pull.

Both of them know their interactions are weird, and there’s a something that needs to be addressed urgently. Yet ignoring it is better, apparently. Johnny just looks sadly at him, and Ten wants to run away and breathe fresh air, for once. 

Ten does the laundry sometimes, it’s a regular thing to happen, but when Johnny is busy he takes the matter in his own hands. It’s not hard. 

Except he’s an idiot, and mixes up their clothes, and one of Johnny’s favorite white shirt comes out looking a light pink. Ten stares at it and attempts not to yell, not to throw it in the garbage and hide it so Johnny never finds out. He wishes he was a bit more smarter. 

Once the shirt is in Johnny’s hand, all Johnny does is laugh. 

“You can’t do laundry, at all,” he says. 

For some reason, it hurts. It makes Ten feel less, feel dumb, useless. It’s the smile on Johnny’s face and the pink of the shirt that remind Ten of the many times his mother told him he could never be an adult. 

“Hey, I can,” Ten counters, “it was just a mistake.”

“It’s—the basics,” Johnny says and continues smiling. Ten starts to get mad. He pulls. 

“You think I’m  _ that  _ dumb?” 

Now Johnny frowns. 

“Huh?”

“Do you think I’m stupid? Like, genuinely,” his hands shake a bit. 

“No, of course not, I’m just saying—”

“I know it was a mistake, but it’s not like I can’t do laundry  _ at all. _ ”

He doesn’t know what makes him so angry, so defensive, but Johnny frowns and now it dawns on him. Ten is just stressed, he guesses. 

“Hey, what’s up with you? I was—”

“I know, I’m sorry, there’s just—too much stuff in my head right now,” he says, but doesn’t comment on the fact that all he can think about is their relationship slowly deteriorating. 

“I understand, but you need to talk to me, okay?”

Ten nods. He doesn’t. 

-

It gets worse, progressively.

Because now they fight, over stupid thing, over Ten getting defensive about how Johnny treats him, how he looks at him, how he sometimes pays more attention to his studies than to Ten. Which are all lies, are all inside Ten’s head, thoughts that wrap around him like a venomous vine. It takes over him in an instant and Ten is unable to stop them. 

“Why are you washing the dishes?” Ten asks, frowning.

“Oh,” he replies, “I just finished an essay and assumed you were busy.”

“But it was my turn!”

God, he feels as if he can’t control himself.

“Hey, it’s okay, I don’t mind,” Johnny reassures him. Because he’s an angel, because he’s nice, because maybe he’s everything Ten isn’t. 

“Yeah, I know, but I wanted to do it, I—feel useless.”

It’s the truth. It’s been gnawing at him for a while now, that thought. Not being enough, being useless, Johnny finding their relationship gradually fruitless. 

“What?”

“Yeah.”   


“Ten,” Johnny begins, “these are just dishes. What’s going on?”

“Y’know, I feel like you haven’t been paying enough attention to me,” he says, “and it kinda hurts, Johnny.”

It’s a lie. Because Johnny never priorizes anything that isn’t Ten, never lets him down, never leaves his side. It’s stupid of him to say it, but his mouth utters the words before his brain can process them. 

“Seriously?”

Ten now is taken aback.

“Yeah.”

“Ten, I constantly pay attention to you, I’m basically your shadow,” Johnny reasons, “you can’t say that.”

“So you think it’s a bad thing, to care for me?”

“What? Ten, really,” he sits down on the couch and looks up at him, “what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing!” He finally snaps. 

It’s a push and pull, and Ten was meant to explode. 

“Okay,” Johnny sighs, “no need to yell.”

“It’s something I’ve been thinking,” he confesses, “do you think I’m too much?”

“I don’t get you,” Johnny says. Ten frowns, and his face goes red. There’s anger now, and he’s scared of what he will say. “You’re looking for a fight.

“I’m not!”

“You’re yelling at me, accusing me of—not loving you,” Johnny says.

The word love is something he hadn't thought of. It’s something deeper than Ten is not able to understand, to even consider. But Johnny does, Johnny thinks of it. A feeling he’s so used to, such a big part of their routine, and now it’s being brought up.

“No, I’m—” he inhales, “I’m not accusing you of  _ that _ .”

“Ten, please, just tell me what you feel.”

Ten doesn’t.

“Nothing, don’t worry, I’m just in a bad mood and taking it out on you,” he lies, “I know you care for me. I’m just too—sensitive.”

Johnny doesn’t believe him, because Ten can read him, because Ten knows him, and still, he smiles and leaves to take a shower.

He cries.

-  
  


It becomes normal, somehow, for Ten to lie.

To look and Johnny and wonder if he’s even enough, when they hug, when they kiss, Ten thinks if Johnny would be happy with someone else. 

“Are you happy?” he asks as they lie in bed, hugging, naked, bodies glued together. 

“I am,” Johnny answers, “as much as I can be.”

It doesn’t bring a smile to Ten’s face as it used to, instead, his face falls, hiding it in the pillow. Maybe Johnny is lying, like Ten is, defensive like Ten is. Ten is so happy, so fulfilled, and now, lying right next to him, Johnny feels as far away as the closest star. 

“You’re not lying?”

“Why would I?”

There are many reasons, Ten wants to say. Because he isn’t truly  _ happy  _ but maybe just content, now tired, of their fights, of Ten’s attitude. Perhaps Johnny is a good liar. 

(No, Johnny is a good person. A nice boyfriend, the most perfect man Ten has ever met in his entire life. Understanding, entertaining, gentle and soft. He’s everything Ten wishes he was, everything Ten wishes he could give back. That’s a problem.)

“Of course you wouldn’t,” he says.

Ten thinks otherwise. 

-

It finally snaps.

Of course, because his life is a drama, it’s a rainy and gloomy day. Johnny sits on the table with his laptop in front of him, working determined on an essay, Ten guesses. He’s in the kitchen, overthinking everything he’s ever done, since the second they became a couple, since they adopted a dog, since he lied to Johnny for the first time. Their dog looks at him, and a single tear falls down his cheek.

Ten is pathetic. 

Not feeling enough has been following him for the entire week, making Johnny gradually get more and more tired. He doesn’t show it, no, because he’s a nice boyfriend and makes Ten feel like he deserves the world. Except he doesn’t. 

Ten isn’t like Johnny. Ten doesn’t give back, doesn’t show as much, finds a way to fight for the smallest things, makes Johnny sad when they sit on the couch and Ten tells him they need to talk. 

“Something is not working out,” Ten had said. He’s a coward. 

“What exactly?”

“Us.”

Those word seemed to hurt Johnny, as he got up and locked himself inside their bedroom. Ten didn’t mean it, of course he didn’t. But in a way, he needed to sabotage himself. 

Again, Ten does it. This time, it’s a before and after.

“Hyung,” he announces. It’s real, when he addresses Johnny like that, and the despair in Johnny’s expression is enough to tell Ten he knows what’s coming. “Do you love me?”

“Ten,” Johnny says,  _ begs _ , “please.”

“I mean it, this time, it’s a serious question.”

“I’m in love with you,” he replies, gets up, and grabs Ten’s hands. He lets go.

“You aren’t.”

“You’re deciding for me, Ten,” he says, warningly. 

“I am, of course I am, because there’s been this weird tension around us. And—I can’t take it anymore,” Ten concludes, and holds back the need to cry just to not seem weak. 

“We should talk it out,” Johnny suggests, “in a healthy way.”

“Hyung, are you really asking me about a  _ healthy  _ relationship?”

He decides to be real. Because in this situation, there’s no need to lie. 

“What?”

“This isn’t healthy, at all,” he says, “because I’ve been making you feel like shit for the past two weeks and I let awful thought take over me as I kept lying to you, y’know, that isn’t healthy at all.”

“Ten, I told you to talk to me,” Johnny guides him to the couch again and allows Ten to sit down first. “You need to tell me first  _ before  _ overthinking it.”

“Do you  _ love  _ me?”

“I  _ do _ .”

“Am I enough, Johnny?”

Johnny sighs, there are tears in his eyes. Ten only feels guilty because he wants to cry, too, and remains so firm in his position the tears are kept inside. 

“You are, Ten, you’re the best—”

“See? I’m not,” he begins, “I’m not enough for you. I’m not a great cook, I’m not the greatest dog-owner, I’m not great at doing laundry, I’m simply not a great boyfriend. I’m not what you need.”

The truth comes out and Johnny cries.

“What are you even  _ saying _ ?” 

“That we can’t be together if I’m not enough for you.”

It snaps so hard a tear falls down Ten’s cheeks.

“Don’t do this to us, to  _ me _ ,” Johnny says. His eyes glimmer, but not in the way they used to before. 

“I’m taking care of you,” Ten replies. He’s telling the truth, now. He’s genuine. 

“Ten,” he murmurs.

“I love you,” he does. So deeply it hurts.

“I do, too.”

“Don’t.”

That night, Ten goes to sleep at Doyoung’s place, and still doesn’t let a tear out. He tells Doyoung he’s just letting Johnny study because an important exam is coming, and he doesn’t want to bother him. 

And Doyoung doesn’t believe him, but his couch is comfortable enough.

-

**Johnny  
** _ Let’s talk _

**Ten**   
_ i told you everything  _ _  
_ _ i don’t know what else to do hyung _

**Johnny**   
_ Talk? _ _  
_ _ It can’t end like this, we both know this _

**Ten** _  
_ _ i know _ _  
_ _ but i can’t do anything about it _

**Johnny  
** _ You can   
_ _ Talking it out _

**Ten  
** _ i’m hurting you  
_ _ i'm making you sad _ _  
_ _ you don’t deserve that _

**Johnny** _  
_ _ This makes me sad _ _  
_ _ You not talking to me _ _  
_ _ You’re clearly hurting, too _

**Ten** _  
_ _ you care more about me than yourself johnny _ _  
_ _ that’s not healthy _

**Johnny** _  
_ _ I care about both of us _ _  
_ _ And I can’t allow it to end like this because you’re feeling like this _ _  
_ _ I’m gonna help you, let me be a shoulder to lean on _

**Ten** _  
_ _ hyung it’s making you sad _ _  
_ _ i just think we both need space _ _  
_ _  
_ **Johnny** _  
_ _ I don’t need space  _ _  
_ _ I need you _

It finally makes his eyes well up with tears, falling like an open faucet. 

-

They meet up at a park. 

It’s a windy day, leaves falling from the trees, yellow and a light brown. Ten looks down at the and wishes he could dance with them, with the wind. Johnny sits by his side, on a bench, and stares at him as if he hung the moon and the stars. It makes Ten want to cry, again, eternally. 

Hug him, hold him, tell him it’s alright. (Although it isn’t).

“Why do you think you’re not enough?” He begins.

“I just do.”   


“There must be a reason,” he says, “was it me?”

“What?”

“Did I do something to make you feel like this?” His hair ruffles with a small breeze, and Ten wishes he could run his fingers through it. 

“You didn’t, I guess… It started with a simple thought and became  _ this _ .”

It’s true. When doing laundry wasn’t enough, when doing the dishes wasn’t enough, when Ten began doubting Johnny. Then he was sure he wasn’t enough.  _ He  _ wasn’t. 

“Then we should go back,” he says. Ten doesn’t understand. 

“Back to where?”

“To the start.”

It sounds poetic, in a way. To start again, to begin with a fresh start. But it doesn’t work like that, and Ten doesn’t know what Johnny even means by that. 

“What?” He asks. 

“To the point you started feeling like this,” Johnny explains.

He can’t pinpoint it. 

“It was in the small details.” 

“Okay, then, let’s focus on that,” he smiles. Ten has to smile back, too, because he’s unable to ignore Johnny in any way. 

“Okay.”

-  
  


The way upwards is gradual, too. 

Ten goes back to their apartment and allows Johnny to see him cry, to see him lament every mistake.

“I’m sorry,” it’s the first thing he says, “for making you go through this.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Johnny, nice and wonderful Johnny says. God, he’s the nicest person alive. “Although I did cry and I accept your apology for that.”

Ten giggles, through the tears that are drying on his cheeks. 

“So,” Johnny starts, “how do you feel now?”

“Better. A lot better.”

“I mean about… being enough.”

“I think—it’s something I have to work on my own.”

Now Johnny moves him and sits by his side, close, knees touching, caresses them as to calm him down. “We can both work it out.”

“I know.”

“You are enough, Ten,” he says, “you make me smile everyday, you make me angry sometimes and you make me happy with your dumb mistakes like dyeing my white shirt while doing laundry. You make me happy because you’re by my side, and that is enough. That’s being enough. To have your partner be thankful for your existence.”

There are more tears that inevitably fall. 

“Why are you so fucking sweet?”

“Because I’m your boyfriend.”

Ten smiles.

“You are, huh?”

“Yes, and I love you.”

“I love you too, hyung.”

-

One day, Ten does laundry again.

Big mistake. 

This time he dyes his own white clothes a not-so-light pink color, and curses under his breath once he notices. He refuses to call Johnny to fix it, so he places it inside the washing machine and presses the start button again.

It’s futile.

The clothes don’t change color and he needs to use them in about an hour. So Johnny comes home and he’s unable to hide it. 

“Listen, I know I shouldn’t have, but you weren’t coming so—”

Johnny laughs. “Oh my God, you’re going to a party wearing all pink.”

“No, please, help me fix it.”

He simply smirks. “It’s a small detail. Don’t worry.”

**Author's Note:**

> [if you want to commission me all the info is here!!!](https://twitter.com/ten__wv/status/1241880594625200128?s=21)


End file.
